I just discovered this
piece on one of the numerous drives on which I routinely misplace things only to stumble upon them the later. From the subject matter and the save date, it appears
to have been written in early May, 2009. before I got booted off of Today.com, when
I was obsessing about making my insignificant penis the top destination for
Googlers and Yahoos and maybe even Houyhnhnms and the second amendment body count,
which no longer matters now that the zombie flu and Obama’s failure to bring
the Olympics to Chicago for Okra Winfree or Die has tarnished his stature in the eyes of the blindly committed.
I remember nearly stepping barefoot on a copperhead in the
kitchen of a rental house outside Chapel Hill one fall. Sucker was nearly 5
feet long and scrunched up under the toe kick of the sink base trying to keep
warm. One of the really nice things about living west of the Cascades in Oregon
is the lack of poisonous snakes. If we had an outhouse, I’d have no fear that a
rattlesnake might slither up out of the shit and over my feet while I was reading the Sears catalog
as once happened to Uncle Ham down at the place Aunt Louise and Uncle Ray owned
in Cobb County, KY, which is the state they named the marital jelly after.
The reason I’m thinking about snakes today on a blog that
celebrates insignificant penises, the second amendment, and typical NOMF™
lunacy was a story I read about Taiwanese man who was bitten on his penis by a
black and yellow rat snake as he tried to take a dump.
According to the China Times, “As soon as he sat down, he
suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up.
Apparently that’s when he noticed that his normally trivial tool had been
replaced by a rather large snake.”
The fiftyish-year-old man, who apparently preferred to
remain anonymous because his name was Wan Heng Lo was listed in stable condition at
the Yu Puli Christian Hospital, where the director, who also did not want his name
mentioned because it was Dashou Giang Tiki, said Lo will be kept until the risk of
snake flu infection is gone because snakes have dirty mouths.
Meanwhile in Palmdale, California, another tally in the
second amendment daily death count was averted today by the poor marksmanship skills
of a Los Angeles County deputy sheriff who shot at the head of 15-year-old boy
playing with a toy gun and hit the boy in his insignificant penis, instantly turning him into an orthodox Jew.
And from the how would you like to be remembered? department,
the oldest human hair was recently found in a pile of partially petrified hyena
shit at Gladysvale Cave outside Johannesburg, South Africa. Apparently one of
our ancestors had beautifully silky Clairol hair when he or she was devoured by a pack
of wild animals between 257,000 and 195,000 years ago, or long before God
created the heavens and the earth, so birthers are questioning the findings, suggesting that heathen liberals have been manipulating the fossil record to discredit The Bible, one of the funniest books ever written by imaginary people about an imaginary God with imaginary powers, like Superman's but without any sense of morality.
