Dr. Faustroll Writes The Wrongs

Brushing aside suggestions that this nation of miserable fucks would be better off if Detroit simply nuked itself and closed its airport, a top advisor to a friend of an assistant White House gardener told the liberal media that the U.S. embassy in Shananaa has reopened after Semeni security forces took control of the infield at Comerica Park, killing 26 insurgents while sustaining one minor wound to the foreskin of a Semeni sniper.

The United States and its allies have stepped up efforts to curb the spread of The Legions of Al, a mysterious umbrella group of terrorist organizations that trace their roots through Al Sharpton, Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Al Franken, and Al Pacino back to Al Capone. 

Al Kaline — aka Mr. Tiger, aka The Battery — has denied any involvement in terrorist activity and has sued Weird Al Jankovic for spreading rumors that led to an investigation of the clutch hitter by the House Un-American Activities Committee in the late sixties. Kaline and his followers — the Alkalines — have sworn to wreak vengance on followers of Yankovic — the Wankerbitches — for "having made my life a living hell."

Before Al Kaline became a international fugitive for his alleged complicity in the downing of Korean flight KAL007 in the eighties, the former Golden Glove winner was best known for having an entire class of disposable batteries named after him. Alkaline batteries depend upon the reaction between zinc and manganese, two minerals widely mined from various exploited African nations, predominately populated by Muslims.

Although spokesumpires for the rifle-armed American League right fielder dispute reports that he runs a private army bent on the establishment of an empire headquartered in Detroit, Al Kaline has been on the Homeland Security list of Hall of Fame supported athletic terrorist organizations since retiring from the Detroit Tigers in 1974.

Tensions between Semen and the United States continue to bubble and spew in the wake of ongoing global vandalism of Web maps and databases that have altered the names of several dozen states suspected of sponsoring opposition to American economic, political, social, and religious dogma by substituting vulgarities and terms for bodily functions that the nationals of those countries often find offensive. Imagine how you would feel as a Pennsylvanian to suddenly arise one morning and find you were living in Scrotum.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has called fighting in Semen a threat to regional and global stability. "Successful counter-terrorism operations conducted by Government of Semen security forces in and around Detroit have addressed a specific area of concern where we have been up to our necks in mediocre spooge, and these efforts have contributed to the embassy's decision to resume operations in Detroit without requiring employees to wear full-body prophylaxis and all visitors to submit to complete cavity searches by insensitive Japanese robots," the first white woman to lose the U.S. presidency to a buff black stud said in a briefing given in her briefs.

Editors note: Secretary Clinton was modeling the new TSA approved briefs that ensure domestic air travelers a minimum delay when passing through screening. The briefs are crotchless, making it impossible for would-be terrorists to hide bombs in their pubic areas.

Strategically situated on the southern rim of the Arabian Penis, Semen is fighting to resist painful backdoor penetration from resurgent alkaline batterers while a Shi'ite (rhymes with witty) revolt of heathens rages in the north and discontented shepardic sentiment simmers in the sodomy addicted south.

Countries in the West and Saudi Arabia fear alkaline fighters will take advantage of Semen's sticky instability to spread their seed to the the world's biggest oil exporter and beyond. Semen itself produces only a small amount of oil although it is a major source of protein.