While the liberal media continues to speculate on whether there will be a final Michael Jackson Memorial World Tour — completely ignoring a massive cyber attack over the fourth of July weekend that nearly resulted in the accidental launch of all those options we keep on the table — it's comforting to know that we can still count on our second amendment rights to keep us informed, safe, and totally insane.
I mean, people, does it really matter whether MJ is buried, cremated, shot into space, dumped at sea, bungeed off the side of Grand Canyon, made into a ride at Neverland, or mixed in a commemorative batch of Wacko Jacko's High Powered Healthy Fit Protein Mix? The man's dead. Give him some respect.
Already, I hear that Jackson's gold casket has been seen with Elvis and D.B. Cooper in Dubai, Antwerp, Buenos Aires, Moscow, and Peoria. You can buy Michael's magical sequin dust on e-Bay, and I have interview with his glove lined up for next weekend that also features Supreme Court Judge Antonin Mad Dog Tony Scalia and Elizabeth Taylor.
So stay tuned, but tonight let's pause in a moment of silence for the latest second amendment martyrs, one of the thousands of Neda Soltan's we ignore every year to ensure we continue to have more guns in the NOMF™ that actual citizens.
By now, most of you have heard how Sahel Kazemi purchased her 9 mm second amendment vehicle of expression last week in Nashville, Tennessee, and used it on former Titan quarterback Steve McNair while he was sleeping, presumably to keep him safe from harm, and then made herself safe as well.
In Chesnee, South Carolina, Ricky Lee Blackwell, 50, grabbed 8-year-old Heather Brooke Center in a headlock and used his second amendments to put two bullets through her skull before gut-shooting himself. According to the story I read, Sheriff Chuck Wright said: "I don't know where you can go in the mind to justify shooting a child. I don't understand how you can get so angry," but I'm sure there's someone we can find who will call him the nicest guy you'd want to meet, if the price is right.
The second amendment was well-represented in Overton, Florida, on Monday when shots from five pistols and an AK-47 firing coming from at least two locations wounded 12 people at a birthday party and left Michelle Coleman, 21, no longer able to exercise her right to buy and possess a firearm of her own.
In Texas City, Texas, Chris Allgood, the son of a former police officer, used the second amendment to end some kind of discussion with his girlfriend Countney Gass, 26, her 2-year-old daughter Anika, and an acquaintance, male, age unspecified.
The second amendment put a single hole through the back of Billy James Jordan in Ona, West Virginia, on Tuesday, leaving him dead, and fled the scene.
The second amendment never sleeps and is ever-vigilant like that great symbol of the NOMF, the blue-balled eagle, as is evidenced by the Newark, New Jersey, shooting of 24-year-old Hakeemah Chisolm, who was gunned down on Sanford Avenue at 2:47 a.m.