Telling the nation that withdrawing from Afghanistan to promote peace would be like using coitus interruptus instead of condoms for birth control, the nation's first openly intelligent president defended his decision to send another 30,000 troops into the troubled region this morning while admitting the nation has been damaged by recent revelations that American golf icon Tiger Woods was having multiple affairs with white people connected to reality shows.
"The American people deserve more from their diversity," Biraq told a radio audience estimated at 200 million, "And we owe it to the world to lead by example as a free and open society where inappropriate behavior cannot hide behind pathetic pleas for privacy when what is called for is complete and transparent disclosure of misdeeds, malfeasance, and moral failure."
"Our commitment of troops to the fight in Aghanistan is more than an acknowledgement of the failed polices of our profligate predecessor. It is a commitment to peace and understanding wherever war and confusion confronts us. It is a lesson that our tarnished role models should take to heart as we redouble our efforts to bring our message of hope and change to the darkest little corners where the ugly secrets hide," Obama continued, rising to oratorical heights unheard in nearly a century, as he whipped his supporters into a frenzy of optimism that can carry them to victory in 2010 and beyond.