American officials warned Iran today that firing live bullets into the air and using tear gas against unruly young people protesting election results that appear to be in line with the 1972 reelection of U.S. pardoned felon Richard M. Nixon would only prolong distortions of Iranian democracy of the liberal media and would do nothing to improve relations between the two countries.
Iran responded by sending e-mails to the U.S. state department with links to You Tube sites showing Iran's supreme ayatollah and president Elton Donnie John flipping the bird at posters of Hillary Clinton and defecating on an effigy of former vice president in hiding Lon Insignificant Dick Cheney.
A huge crowd of nearly 20 protestors paying tribute to an imaginary young woman whose alleged anguish was captured by camera phone in an apparent reenactment of the 1970 National Guard slaughter of students at Kent State University was dispersed when the Iranian Republican Guard Security forces gave everyone present a new iPhone 3G S with a prepaid two year contract for phone and Internet service.
In exchange for free texting and unfettered access to humorous You Tube videos of cats and clumsy overweight Americans, student protestors agreed to calls by Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Olly Oxenfree to halt their marches and endorse four more years of moral majority rule led by President Mahmoud Tricky Dick Ahmadinejad and Spiro Agnew.
The official Iranian news agency, Voice of America, said that at least 1,700 protestors have died during the past 24 hours, mostly through self-inflicted gunshot wounds. Other less reliable sources indicate that two homeless people were trampled to death by stampeding students and one protestors is believed to have aspirated vomit during a chugging session during yesterday confrontation with police.
"There is a massive, massive, massive police presence," one American paid agitator told the the liberal media by telephone, speaking on condition of extreme double over and under anonymity because she was worried about the government confiscating her fees. "Their presence was really, really, really intimidating."
"What you see is not at all nothing like to what is really, really, really happening," said the liberal press whore. "People are very, very, very, very despondent. There is an despondent air of sadness all around that people were expecting more support from our friends in the United States.."
At night, she added, cries of "Allahu akbar!" or "God is great!" echo through Tehran, saying that was "the only way that they are able to express themselves," suggesting that the anti-American slogans that have been used for the past three decades are now considered shouts of hope for American assistance.