I guess that's not the best way to title a post of thanks to my sponsors and regular visitors who have turned this venture into something sure to raise the hackles at Homoland Sekurity and make my impending wage slave retirement so much more interesting. I love making up answers to stupid questions!
I've been writing and publishing for more than 40 years (much of that in little magazines in the sixties and seventies when I was called The Tylenol Kid, Your Worst Nightmare, Dr. Joe Louis Pasture, Harralambus Modestus, and several dozen other pseudonyms based on the Ligian mythos). My first online presence as Dr. Faustroll was on AOL in the early days of that mongolian cluster fuck when dial up was cool and it took two days to orgasm to online pornography.
I was motivated in my publishing efforts by a comment from Miller Williams, Lucinda's dad, who promised his poetry workshop students that he would include a selection of the work of any poet who had published a volume with a mainstream publisher. I knew he was lying, so I polished my craft until 1990 when Ahsahta Press at Boise State University published Disturbances in its Western Poetry series, and I stopped writing poetry because I hate poetry. Don't you?
I was right about Miller Williams and his promise, by the way. This was a man that told his students that he wouldn't mind if we created a poem with an acrostic that said Miller Williams Is Full of Bullshit, and was really pissed off when I presented him with a poem that did just that, and someone else had to point it out to him. To be fair, the poem was a failure. I had originally hoped to do it as a sestina. Youthful optimism.
I actually launched the original online Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat on AOL, and I recently stumbled across some of those old pages that are still floating around the toilet that is Ted Stevens' idea of the InterTube, including the Jerzy Lewinski Kronicles and the Jonestown Koolaid Recipe, despite the fact that I haven't been with AOL in 15 years at least.
I can't remember when I got DirectWay, which became Hughes.net, which I replaced with WildBlue in the couple of decades I've been promised DSL is "just around the corner," and in the boonies of Idiotville, Oregonadia.
For awhile in the late nineties and early millenial years, I didn't participate much in the snail-mail or electronic submission worlds. In fact, I came to hate the concept of submission. It seemed akin to voting, another heinous activity that people agree to without thinking about it.
I mean, seriously, do you need some white, fat, perverted cocksucker with a staff of abused interns group-groping with a similar cabal of slimy shitbags to determine how you are supposed to live your life? Oh, you do? Well, fuck you, asshole, you pathetic Christian idiot. Close this window and don't come back, you pissant motherfucking unexcised putrid polyp in the colon of rational discourse.
You see what you've made me do? I was trying so hard to be polite and do the white thing for my sponsors and regular EC droppers, and just thinking about the rest of fucking douchebags and bottomfeeding rightwingnut liberal cocksuckers and muffdivers set me off in an entirely expected direction on highway 34 which leads directly to Tangent, Oregasm, the not so psychedelic grass seed capitol of the world, where I once received head from a girl scout who only charged me two boxes of cinnamon snaps for one of the best wad shots I ever had.
I don't know why I have so many visitors from Malaysia and the Phillipines, except that I have posted on several occasions about the Bush Shoe Memorial located alongside the Imelda Marcos Freeway in Florida, one of the many states in the NOMF™ that will not exist in 100 years, thereby accomplishing what Hitler was unable to do with his ultimate solution.
Go global warming! Drown the old jews! We'll make a mint selling life preservers!
Some of my regular visitors are obviously neurotic nutjobs and drooling idiots who don't have anything to do with their hands when they are not masturbating. Others are clearly government agents and provocateurs. Many are confused, offended, and disoriented when they arrive at this site, looking over their shoulders, wondering if they are on reality TV.
But there are others with a hidden agenda who have chosen to support this endeavor by purchasing ads through the virtual economy envisioned by Graham Cracker Whatisname that enable me to conduct the kind of outreach that previous literary terrorist activities have been unable to dreaam of, much less execute on.
In the coming days and weeks, I intend to misinterpret the intentions of my sponsors to help you misunderestimate the unimportance of your decision in making prosthetics in the extrapolation of this thing we call the InterTube.
For tonihgt, let me just provide links to the real heroes that have made this site possible. Visit them, and tell them you appreciate all they have done to make the world safe for demockeracy.
On second thought, come back tomorrow, when you've had a chance to sober up.