Ahriman Peter Mohammad Shingtow Yahweh Et Al filed notice in the Third Intergalactic District Court late Friday, expressing His intent to sue Twitter in a dispute over intellectual property. In papers obtained by the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, Mr. Et Al is seeking a cosmological injunction that seeks to shut down the Internet until such time as "He sees fit."
The suit also seeks "real, actual, economic, spiritual, and punitive damages," against the popular social networking service that is currently running the world, claiming that Twitter is wholly owned and operated by Satan and frequented by Beelzebub's acolytes and is "using My secret sauce without a proper license."
God, as He prefers to be addressed in informal conversations — which He calls prayer — argues that issuing commandments and spiritual guidance in bursts of 140 characters or less has been His preferred form of communication since He created the Heavens and the Earth 6,000 years ago with the sole intention of selling it to the highest bidder.
"I was the Guy — now stop me if you've heard this — who said: Let there be bytes and I saw that it was good," He smiled, smoting a fly who looked like Vincent Price screaming Help me! Help me! that had landed upon His right hand. "I was the Guy who created all of this shit, including the Internet, the Ethernet, and the firmament. I giveth and I taketh away, for I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have no other Gods before me."
God did admit that having more than 9 million names sometimes causes difficulties for His subjects and worshippers, but He was adamant that being the Almighty "gives Me the right to do pretty much whatever the fuck I want to do, and don't you go giving Me shit about it or I'll tear your fucking head off and shit down the stump of your neck!"
I'm sure most of my readers agree that God has shown a propensity for throwing hissy fits for the damnedest reasons. Take Sodom and Gomorra. Please. So I'm thinking Twitter should at least consider His demands because the end of the universe would make who controls the Internet kind of moot.
We were tempted to reach Evan Williams and Biz Stone for their side of the story about God's beef with them, but why bother? They are probably too busy trying to monetize the service to worry about the fact that God is going to obliterate the entire universe if they don't return His tweets within 24 hours, the twits.