WASHINGTONSASHIT — It appears that the main reason no one has been able to defeat the insurgency in Afghanistan since its inception during the occupation of Alexander the Great in 330 B.C. is that no one has been willing to acknowledge that the country is defended by armies of tribal werewolves.
In nearly 2,400 years of uninterrupted fighting, Afghanistan remains as barbarous and unconquerable as it was when God created it on the seventh day, when He rested and enjoyed a hearty laugh.
As early as the 13th century, according to eminent Central Asian historian Mildude Dampass, the depraved and bloodthirsty forces of Gengkis Khan had begun describing the Afghan warriors as "demonic fighters, fearless of death or injury, who can inflict as much carnage during three nights of the full moon as our hordes can accomplish in 30 days or bright sunlight."
By the 14th century, Tamerlane described the Khyber Pass as "a pestilent shithole from hell, replete with hairy demons whose disregard for human life exceeds even our own. We have run out of garlic. I fear our days are numbered and our nights are full of fear and loathing as we listen to the enemy howl at the moon."
The Arabs, Christians, Russians, and British also succumbed to throat-ripping horror at the hands of these ruthless hounds of hell, as the poet Edmund Spenser once described the raging heathens in one of his gentler moments.
Now, finally, American Gen. Stanley McChrystal has spoken the unspeakable and told the House Armed Services Committee that "there is no possible diplomatic solution to this problem. You can't negotiate with a bunch of shape-shifters who go completely bat-shit insane a couple of nights a month and don't remember shit about what they promised when they were human."
McChrystal was briefing the committee on President Biraq Insane al Obama's new surge-and-run strategy, saying he supports the plan, "if we get the proper weapons and the authorization to use them to prosecute this strategy with the extremist of prejudice."
"Results may come more quickly," McChrystal told lawmakers. "But the sober fact is that there are no silver bullets. Ultimate success will be the cumulative effect of sustained pressure and our ability to obtain hundreds of thousands of rounds of silver bullets, reservoirs of Holy Water, millions of tons of garlic, and other low tech weaponry that has proven effective against werewolf warriors in the past."
"Afghans do not regard us as occupiers," he said. "They see as as a convenient food source, high in protein and rich in fat. If we want to prevail in this insane battle against abject reality, we must kill them before they kill us. I ask for your support in this noble endeavor."