So who can you distrust to distort your reality field so that reports from the liberal media and commentary by the rabid right can be put into 12-step perspective that even the littlest Eichmann can understand?
Not your mother. Not horny Father Hands On Hanlon. Not Sarah Sirhan Palin, you betcha bippy. Not even Mockmoose Elton Donniejohnjihad.
But you can trust Doctor Faustroll Writes the Wrongs for the latest reports from our imaginary unpaid stringers throughout the universe who have devoted their meaningless lives to bringing you the best and the brightest in insignificant penises that everyone who is anyone is drooling over, as well as prodigious piles of poopadoodle, NOMF™ supported mayhem and slaughter (aka The War on Global Extremism), and the second amendment daily body count, which today celebrates its first 100 days on the InterWeb by mentioning a non-fatal shooting in Duluth, Michigan, over the weekend that was originally thought to be a July Fourth fireworks injury.
As it turns out, an unidentified 41-year-old patriotic idiot was exercising his second amendment rights with a 22 rifle by firing at an old dresser located between JT's Bar and Grill and the Viking Bar. Although the woman who had the bullet pass through her before it entered a window in a parked car must have been too drunk to understand she was at risk of being hit by a stray second amendment protected projectile while walking from the bar to her car, the liberal media would not comment on whether alcohol was involved in the mishap.
Thankfully, the Duluth police quickly realized that target shooting across a parking lot between two bars on a holiday weekend is a God-given right and was probably an accident and not a crime, particularly because the owner of one of the bars knew the unnamed suspect and couldn't believe that he would ever intentionally injure someone while exercising his second amendment right to bust a few caps in the evening after a six pack or two.
"Hell," someone said, "He's the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Never hurt a fly, even shit-faced. Usually hits what he aims at. I figure the bitch had it coming."
And police say that the dresser wasn't worth protecting: "It was an old dresser, about table height I suppose with a target spray painted on it, a red dot with a circle around it." I guess that means it looked like an asshole.
In other news, it appears that former Depends Secretary Robert Bob-Bob McNamara killed himself by choking on a glove given to him by the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, during his One Minute President tour in 1984. According to unreliable sources, McNamara was despondent over being excluded from Wacko Jacko's will. He left no note, but did have a DVD of The Fog of War hidden in his codpiece that was autographed by Mel Torme, sometimes called The Velvet Fog.
Speaking of The Bobs, does anyone know where they are performing this weekend? I still have a pair of free anytime tickets I purchased in 1989. Watching them perform Psycho Killer live has always been one of my dirty little pleasures.
Another beastly Bob in the news today was Robert Barbarous Barnacle Bob Mugabe, a protege of former staunch lifelong American ally Field Marshall and President for Life Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, and Commander in Chief of the Ugandan Armed Forces. Mugabe is currently leading Zimbarbieandken with his close friend, Dexter Morgan Tsvangirai Changalanga Jujubebop, the prime minister of the terminally genocidal country who visited President Obama in Washington last month to get shipments of Coca Cola and Fruit Loops flowing again.
Mugabe stormed out of a meeting in Libya with U.S. spokesasshole Johnnie Carson saying that he “wouldn’t speak with an idiot of that nature. I was expecting to meet with Conan O’Brien or Stephen Colbert, not some washed up dead man. I was very much angry with Carson for not at least bringing Ed McMahon, and that he thinks he can dictate what we can do. Well, fuck him up the ass. Zimbarbieandken is a sovereign nation that does not take instructions from washed up talk show hosts in the United States.”
When asked if he would consider meeting with liberal media opposition leader Rush Hindenberg Limbaugh, Mugabe excused himself by pissing on the carpet. "Your Carsons and Limbaughs are not worthy of drinking my piss," Mugabe laughed as he sprayed more than a gallon of drug-laced urine on the feet of the stunned reporters.
Under-Assistant Secretary of Misstatement Johnnie Carson, by the way, is not related to the late talk show host, Johnny Carson, who many civil rights activists credit with easing racial tensions during the bicentennial years through a couple of sketches involving Don Rickles, black people, and blackface make-up.
Carson made it possible for white people to laugh at jokes about lynching black people, which in turn made it possible for people like Al Sharpton, Malcolm X, LaToya Jackson, and Halle Barry to become cultural icons without actually getting hanged and laughing about it.
When told that Johnnie Carson and Johnny Carson were not the same man, Mugabe said, "What the fuck difference does that make, you honkey asshole? We are a sovereign nation and you send the likes of little fellows with tiny penises like Carson saying 'do this, do that'." Who the fuck does he think he is? I hope he is not speaking for Mrs. Obama. I told him he was a shame, a great shame being an American nigger."
Mugabe apparently hates American niggers nearly as much as he hates the niggers in his own country, hundreds of thousands of whom he has slaughtered or starved to death in a campaign of weaning hearts and minds that has an unmistakable organ harvesting component.
Mugabe had absolutely no use for Carson's predecessor, Jendayi Smoking Joe Frazer, whom he also considered a nigger, referring to him as "that little nigra girl trotting around the globe like a gangsta ho sucking the tiny dicks of rich white men who try to overthrow me."
I don't know about you, but I really have to admire a megalomaniacal African strong man who dares the international community to kill him by calling them names. After all, everyone knows that while sticks and stones may break our bones, it's the words that drive us to murder.
Barbaric Bob always heaps shit on fellow blacks without calling them Uncle Toms, which he considers effete and clichéd. For instance, when black U.S. ambassador James McGee presented the U.S. position on genocide, elections fraud, and human rights violations in what many within the NOMF power infrastructure consider a target of future opportunity, Mugabe called McGee "the house nigger for the silly white cunts that run the world."
Before Tsvangirai bent over and sucked the penis of power, joining the coalition government in exchange for continuing his meaningless existence, Mugabe called him fatcheeks, pillow plumper, and teabag boy, terms I also occasionally use to describe people who love to beat off to poopadoodle while calling meaningful discourse.
Meanwhile, in Moscow, Russian President Michael Medved encouraged Biraq Insane Obama, the first openly gay mixed race president of the NOMF™, to "hang in there and do the right thing in Afghanistan to finish up what we began during the administration of Ronald Reagan, your Greatest Communicator and the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet."
Although Medved termed America's efforts in Afghanistan thus far "inconsequential, incomprehensible, and ineffective," he suggested that the U.S. "stay the corpse and keep all options on the table," while hinting that the commitment of several hundred thousands more American troops to the theatre "would surely encourage the kind of peace, love, and understanding that the world needs now more than ever."
Medved's comments came as the liberal media reported that 7 American troops had been killed across Afghanistan in the worst single-day total in over a year, when 10 Americans were killed in a fireworks display to entertain former first idiot George Goober Bush.
When asked if his comments might be considered insensitive by family members and friends of the fallen, Medved laughed and said: "What are you Americans, all pussies? In Afghanistan, we lost more men than you lost in Vietnam. When you have lost as many, come ask me if I am still insensitive."
And to wrap up the best of the worst that Monday, July 6, in the year 0008 A9.11 had to offer, let me close by suggesting that despite what you may have read elsewhere, there is no truth to rumors that former Tennessee Titan QB Steve McNair will be charged with murder for shooting his girlfriend before putting two bullets through his chest, followed by two through his head, in what some pataphysicists are calling a bold attempt to beat Frank Stanford's previous universal record for determined self-extermination when he completely blew all traces of his heart out of the atmosphere with three blasts from a single action shotgun, pausing twice to reload, and once to call the Indigo Girls.